Thursday, November 24, 2005

Lost

So Jess and I aren't together anymore... I need to vent so bear with me. How am I supposed to just walk away from the person I love totally and completely? I don't know how to be anything but in love with Jess. I miss her so much already... I don't get it... I gave all of myself to her, devoted myself entirely to her... I don't know how not to do that... I'm going to continue to think of her in everything I do... I can't help it. I know she was unhappy, I accept that... I love her way too much to want her to be unhappy. I guess I should just let go, but that's a hard thing to do when she still has my heart. So I guess I'll be single for a while... The change certainly isn't welcome, and it'll take a lot of getting used to. I suppose this is the part where my friends can go 'told you so'. I feel like I put them through hell when I was with Jess, because I'd always side with her and put her first. I'm still gonna side with her for quite a while now, because I don't know how not to be who I was with her. Whatever happens, I'm glad to still have my friends and family to turn to.

So I guess I'll spend this Christmas being single. I don't know what to do with all the gifts I bought for Jess... I haven't the heart to return them, but it does me little good to keep them... I guess I'll just hold out hope that one day she and I will be together again and I can give her all the things I've gotten for her. She's returned a bunch of the gifts I gave her, but there's one thing she can't give back -- my heart. I don't care to try and date anyone else anytime soon, maybe ever... I'm going to try and stay friends with her, but it's hard not to tell her that I love her, even though I do with every ounce of my being...

I don't really feel any better, but it is good to get some of this out...

Monday, November 07, 2005

Stress

When I feel this way, the best thing I can do is get my thoughts out, so here goes. I know something is wrong in my relationship with Jess. She claims I can't read her like I used to. We don't talk like we used to. I wonder though if that's the key... 'like we used to.' Maybe we're trying too hard to hold onto what was when change is inevidible... or maybe it's that we're trying too hard to change when just letting things be as they are is what we need. I don't know. I feel like it's me, like it's my fault that things are as they are. Since things have gone downhill, I find myself depressed quite a bit. I don't know if the strain in the relationship caused the depression or if the depression caused the strain in the relationship, but neither seem to be doing anything but getting worse. I know I don't want to lose Jess. I love her way too much. Maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. I know Jess is stressed because of Geometry. Maybe she's displacing that stress. I'd be the obvious target for such displacement, as I'm close and I mean a lot to her. I really don't know. We're trying a little separation to see if it helps. I don't get to talk to her again until Wednesday. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I hope this works. I suppose I'll try praying about this. It's helped in the past. If nothing else, it'll give me a bit of peace. I know I'm wound up into an emotional mess... a ball of rubber bands stretched near their limit. But I just can't seem to break. Maybe if I could, I'd feel better...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Thoughts from movies

Thanks to the wonders of the entertainment industry, my head has been filled with thoughts today which make me both incredibly happy and at the same time quite sad. I'm really looking forward to getting married to the most amazing person I've ever met and to having kids with her. I can hardly wait to become a father. At the same time, however, I'm sad because I can't bear the thought of losing Jess or my future child. How do you really deal with something like that? I hope and pray that nothing will happen, but life is very unpredictable...

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Certainty

I know it's been a long time since I updated, and I'll bother to catch up at some point I hope, but for now I'm just going to write what's on my mind. Tonight was amazing, as was last night, and, well, every night I've spent with or talking to Jess. With every passing day, I'm finding it harder and harder to tell her goodbye even though I know I'll see her again soon. I'm finding that Jess is the one person in this world whom I cannot live without. I love her so very much. I can honestly say that I've never loved anyone as much as I love Jess and I've never been so certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with someone as I am now. I hate that we're going to have to wait 6 years to get married. I'd marry her tomorrow with no second thoughts if I could. I know, though, that Jess is well worth the wait. For that matter, she's well worth anything and everything I have to do to be with her. I'd give up pretty well anything for her.

I know Jess complains when we're together and I don't say much of anything, and to her I apologize, but I find more happiness in an hour spent in silence with her than I have experienced in the entirety of my life prior to us having met. I'll never be able to express how I feel, but I know it hurts like hell when she's not around. Call me clingy if you wish, but I cannot help myself. I love Jess with everything I am. I think about her in everything I do, though perhaps I don't think about the bits of her that are most important and/or relevant to some situations...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Last One?

Jess and I are closer than ever. I love her so very much. Though it is a bit soon to be coming to conclusions, I have high hopes that she will be the girl I spend the rest of my life with. I intend to tell her so in a very big way soon. She thinks she's getting some kind of jewelry from me in a week or so. Her mind won't rest til she figures out what's going on, and I drop hints but I'll never give it away. Given the way her guesses are leading, though, and knowing what is actually coming, I feel like this surprise will be one she will never forget. I can only hope the surprise makes up for the little bit of twisting the truth I had to do to make it work.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

A traumatic event

I guess this is a busy time in my life. So much is suddenly happening in a very short period of time. For one thing, I'm back with Jess now. It couldn't have come at a better time, either. Jess makes me incredibly happy. She's everything I could ever ask for and so very much more.

As for why I say it couldn't have come at a better time, let me catch up on what's taken place these past few days. Thursday night, Jess and I started talking again, and over the course of conversation I promised to watch her in the homecoming parade, meet her at the game, and go to the dance with her. The parade went wonderfully, I was waiting near the end for her to come by. After it was over with, I met her at the old high school and had waiting for her a dozen roses. We left there and I took her to meet a close friend of mine, with whom we spent about an hour. After leaving there, Jess and I parted ways. She went home for a few, and I went to eat then ran home to get my laptop which I had promised she could borrow. On my way back to the game, a girl ran a stop sign and pulled out in front of me. I tried my best to stop but only had at best 20 yards. I wound up plowing into her. Thankfully I was wearing my seatbelt and the airbag deployed. I walked away with only a few scratches, but the girl wasn't so lucky. She has a broken neck and a hemmorhage in her brain.

I feel so horrible about what happened. I'm just so thankful that I had Jess and all my friends and family. I don't know what I'd do without them, and especially without Jess.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

People that matter

These past few days have been the most eventful I've had in some time now. I've at long last met someone who seems to truly understand me and who wants and needs the same things I do. She's the most amazing person I've ever met and is proof that I am not quite as unique as I've always believed myself to be.

We spent several hours together yesterday and made plans to meet again today. When I called her today, though, I found out she is sick. If I were at all self-centered I would probably be disappointed, but all I can think about is how I wish I could help. I hate that she's sick. I wish more than anything that it was me instead, because she's got enough to deal with. I would give anything to be able to take all her hardships away, to fix the problems in her life and show her true happiness. I suppose that sounds a bit odd, given I've only known her a few days, but what can I say? The more I learn about her, the more she means to me.

On a different note, one of my best friends made it as far home as Augusta. He's been in Iraq for quite a while. He got very very sick while he was over there, which I hate, but at least he's alive and he'll soon be home.